


S.H.A.L.E. - Super Heavy Armored Long-range Executioner Unit

by PoboboProbably



Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age: Origins
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-27
Updated: 2017-10-27
Packaged: 2019-01-25 04:13:35
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,025
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12522720
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PoboboProbably/pseuds/PoboboProbably
Summary: Caitwyn Tabris and Zevran Arainai have devised a plan to increase the party's effectiveness in combat. Their efforts to test it meet with... mixed results.





	S.H.A.L.E. - Super Heavy Armored Long-range Executioner Unit

**Author's Note:**

  * For [zinjadu](https://archiveofourown.org/users/zinjadu/gifts).



> Written for /u/zinjadu as part of the /r/DragonAge Fall fic exchange

“Hello, Shale.”

“It speaks?”

“I’ve been thinking. Well, Zevran and I have been thinking,” Caitwyn said.

“And what has it been thinking about, I wonder?”

“You like to crush things, don’t you, Shale?”

“That’s correct. What is its interest?” Shale asked suspiciously.

“I like to snipe things, namely darkspawn. So who’s to say we can’t do both at once?” Cait offered.

“Hmm. I’m not sure I understand. What does it mean?”

Cait cleared her throat before speaking. “Basically, I was wondering if you’d like to perform an experiment with me. What if I were to perch myself on your-”

“Perch?” Shale asked, a prickly expression forming from the stones of its face. “It will not perch.”

“Okay, poor choice of words. What if I were to be mounted on your shoulders while you crushed things and shoot my bow at anything you can’t reach with… crushing?” Cait stood patiently, twiddling her thumbs while waiting for the golem’s reply. It seemed to consider the offer with great interest.

“It is cleverer than I thought!” it finally spoke. “I will gladly assist its efforts to become even more effective at killing things. What is its plan, then?”

“Plan? I hadn’t thought of a plan,” she admitted sheepishly.

“It hadn’t?”

“Honestly, I didn’t think I’d get this far. Getting on your shoulders is simple enough, but what will I shoot at?”

It was at that moment that a loud snore accompanied by unintelligible mumbling about sod and nugs interrupted, or perhaps completed Cait and Shale’s thought.

“Zevran!” Cait called. “Gather as many blankets as you can, and get me Sten’s helmet!”

Minutes later, Oghren was propped up against a tree stump, held firm by the foot and a half thick roll of blankets and bedrolls wrapped around him, still deep in his sleep.

“Sodding… nug-licking idiot… I never wanted any cakes…” he murmured, snoring between words.

“Okay, now just put the helmet on him,” Cait instructed. Zevran plopped Sten’s oversized helmet on the dwarf’s head, leaving it slanted awkwardly to the right. “Hmm. Better turn it around, so he can’t see what’s going on.”

The ensemble complete, Cait shambled up onto Shale’s shoulders and readied her bow. 

“You got the training arrows, right?” Zevran asked.

Cait hesitated, checking her quiver before answering, then quietly asked Shale to pick up the quiver still lying on the ground and hand it to her. “Yup!”

“Alright then. How shall I wake our foul-smelling friend?”

“Perhaps a kick to the head would suffice to rouse him?” Shale suggested. “I will gladly do it myself.”

“We want him conscious for this, Shale. Er, mostly, anyway. Zev, shout at him. Tell him we’re under attack or something.”

“Very well,” he agreed. “OGHREN, WAKE UP! WE ARE UNDER ATTACK BY DARKSPAWN!”

Suddenly ripped out of his drunken slumber, Oghren yelped, “sodding _what_?!”

“Darkspawn!” Cait yelled. “Quickly, there’s an ogre trying to grab you!”

“Not if I can help it!” Oghren screamed as he broke into a shaky sprint. “By the ancestors, I’ll gut all you sodding darkspawn! You sorry nug-humping bronto shits!”

“It should probably start firing now, yes? I will attempt to keep it in range,” Shale said before stomping off to follow the dwarf, who’d begun running around in erratic circles and shouting all manner of obscenities at the air behind him. Cait’s initial attempts at aiming were quite unsuccessful. Shale’s thundering steps made it difficult to steady herself long enough to line up a shot, and she struggled to keep balance while fighting the heavy draw weight of her bow.

“Come on, Caitwyn,” Zevran began, “how can you expect to assassinate your enemies if you cannot do it with the aid of an enormous golem?”

“Do _you_ want to try it, Zev?” she shouted back at him, annoyed.

“Er, no, I am rather fond of solid ground, you see.”

“Then shut it!”

“Perhaps a bow with a lighter draw weight would help?” he suggested.

Cait shot him a vicious look, clearly offended by the comment, before taking aim again and hitting Oghren square on his rear. “Take that!” she cried victoriously.

“Is that all you sodding got?! I’ve had worse from the barmaid at Tapster’s!” Oghren yelled.

After a few more minutes of this, and several more creative displays of profanity from Oghren, the practice was interrupted by the thud of firewood on grass and a very confused Alistair’s shocked expression. 

“Andraste’s knickers, what is going on here?!” he asked, the end of his question punctuated by a terrified scream in the distance. “Why are you on Shale’s shoulders? What is that thing running around back there? What did I walk into?”

“Er… I can explain,” Cait started.

“It is part of her assassin training, Alistair. That thing running around is our dear friend, Oghren. But he’s wrapped in blankets, you see, so there is no need to worry,” Zevran assured him.

“It was actually quite clever, I thought,” Shale added. “Just imagine me crushing things while it shoots its bow.”

“Maker, you can’t be serious…” Alistair sighed, shaking his head.

“Look, it sounded like a good idea at the time, Alistair,” Cait said, beginning to climb down from on top of Shale.

“But if you’re trying to convince Oghren he’s under attack by...”

“By an ogre,” Zev helpfully clarified.

“How could you do it without Maethor’s help?” Alistair finished.

“What do you mean?” Cait asked.

“I have to do everything myself, don’t I?” Alistair sighed again. “Maethor!”

The mabari sprinted happily to Alistair’s side with an excited bark.

“See uncle Oghren over there?” he asked him.

Maethor looked out over the field, then yelped.

“Can you make sounds like an ogre?”

Several low growls and loud roars served as answer enough.

“Good boy!” Alistair said, scratching Maethor under his jaw. “Now go chase after Oghren and roar at him like that!”

Without hesitation, the proud mabari set off to motivate Oghren further.

“Sod it all, he’s right behind me! You’re sodding lucky I don’t have my axe! Won’t any of you empty mead sacks kill this thing?!” he screamed, running faster than ever.

“Alistair?” Cait asked.

“Yes, darling?”

“You’re a genius.”


End file.
